DANNY'S WRESTLING DAYS KNOCKED ON THE HEAD
(First published 30th January 1999)
A team tough guy and part time bodyguard Danny 'Off' White was under fire from Greys Officials last night after claims that his former profession, as a pro-wrestler at the Colston Hall, is interfering with his game.
White, 23, has been increasingly violent and obnoxious in his midfield dynamo position for the A team. Manager Boldy has been worried for a while, but has not taken action to date because, "nobody passes the ball to him. Rarely does he touch the ball, so it doesn't matter that he spits and hacks players down." Manager Boldy went on to say that White was "probably the best player he had ever seen, at his age and physical condition".
However, senior officials have now had to take action, after White's mauling of opposition players last week. The official (whom we cannot name for legal reasons) said, "It wasn't too bad at first, we could all cope with him shouting and spitting, he usually directed it at the wall. We even forgave him wearing black swimming trunks under his kit and posing in all sorts of strange ways. But last week he brought a miniature wrestling ring in, complete with canvas and ropes and started to prowl around the ring like a hippopotamus. When he did a somersault and invited Barts into the ring with him, we had to have a word."
White, pro, denied the claims and said, "I've never prowled like anything before, let alone a hippopotawhatsit. I only brought the ring in because we needed the extra changing area." The White Whippet, as he was known in his Colston Hall days, went on to confirm his past life. "I freely admit that I used to wrestle. It was in those halcyon days when wrestling was fun, you know, you'd hit people and they'd thank you for it afterwards in the bar. But nowadays, well, it ain't the same no more, no siree guv".
The Whippett continued his monologue, saying "I gave it all up in the end. I tried all sorts of other costumes, The White Wrangler, The Weighty White, White Water, none of it worked, the crowds started to stay away. What with all the American crap, and all those women, I just couldn't take it anymore. Then Big Daddy snuffed it and well, it all died on that day".
"I took all my wrestling clothes, my silver jacket, my spangly boots and my hat that looked like a can of dog meat (hence the name Whippet) and threw it all in the bin. I had tears in my eyes as I did that". It was at this point that The Whippet broke down and cried inconsolably.
Stop Bunching probed further (ooer) and asked why he had cried, all those years ago. Was it that he had so many good memories? Or that in throwing away the clothes he was throwing away part of his life? "Don't be stupid", sobbed a quiet Whippet, "It was because I had never washed them, they stank of rotten eggs. I had to keep the swimming trunks though, I just couldn't throw those away."
Danny White in 1954 as The White Wough Wugged Wancher, he lasted four weeks and two knockouts.
Giant Haystacks was unavailable for comment last night, because he's dead too.